Misadventures of Edward Elric
by Jesskuh
Summary: Al just wants a cat. Roy just wants to have sex. Edward just wants to be left alone already.
1. Chapter 1

The past few months had been anything more than uneventful. The complete opposite. Moving into a home with my boyfriend and dragging my younger brother along with us, I was already at wits end. The home was bought recently, and we all still had a lot of unpacking and settling in to do.

Being home alone was absolutely golden. I could feel the weight on my shoulders disappear when no one else was around. No Roy complaining, no Al pestering me like a child. I reveled in it all.

Tying my hair back into a high pony tail, I started to work on getting my things out of boxes. It wasn't like I had much stuff in the first place. Rather, Al was the one who needed to be doing this for his stuff. The boy kept everything, very much being what someone would consider a pack rat. I hated it, but what could I do? Tell him to grow a dick and throw all his shit out? That wouldn't go over too well. I could see the tears already.

It was probably surprising that I was the gay one, while Al had a girlfriend named Winry. She lived in the town over to the one we moved to, which wasn't too bad. They could generally see each other whenever they'd like to now, actually. That was a plus, and I was willing to pull anything out of my ass to get Alphonse out of the house more often.

There was a downside to Al being gone, however.

Roy.

That sleazy, sly bastard I call a boyfriend who alwa-

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the click of the door for a moment and it open noisily. Peeking my head around into the living room, I blinked.

"You're home early." I said dryly. Possibly even a twinge of disappointment, even though he didn't seem to notice a bit.

Instead, he worked his way over to me, looking at me as if I were a big juicy steak he was ready to devour any minute.

And he groped me. My backside, to be exact.

"Get your hands off of me." I tried as hard as I could to keep myself calm. Calm thoughts, Edward. Rainbows and ponies and books and-

And I couldn't take it anymore.

"GODDAMMIT ROY MUSTANG, GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE SO HARD YOUR EAR WILL START BLEEDING FROM THE IMPACT."

That did it. I watched as my lover looked at me in absolute horror. Then I realized he was mocking me when that goddamn smirk grew across his face.

He was attacking my neck now. The bastard was _attacking my fucking neck_.

"Oh, Edward. C'mon." The husky whisper was hot on my ear and I felt my face heat up slightly. Try to seduce me now, will he? Lifting my hands up, I attempted to push him away to no avail. Embarrassingly, I even let a moan slip from my throat. Good job, Edward. Really. Just egg him on. That'll make him stop.

Maybe not, but Al slamming the door open sure did.

"Brother!" He said immediately, ignoring my look of annoyance and grinning childishly. His hands were behind his back, and I felt myself grow curious. At my look, he threw his hands out in front of him.

"No, Al."

"But...but...BUT!"

"I SAID NO, AL."

"Brother, why are you so mean! Look at how innocent! Look at her eyes! Deep into her eyes! How can you say no to this?"

This happened all the time. Growing up and even now. I looked at Alphonse instead of the creature, staring at him menacingly for a few moments though he seemed to be unwavering.

"No."

Then came the tears. Those fucking teary eyes that made anyone want to beat the guilt out of themselves for creating such a thing. It was over whelming, and his greatest weapon.

What a little bitch.

"...We're keeping her?" Alphonse pressed, looking at me with wide eyes that resembled the creature's. Only, you know, with fucking tears in them.

That was the first time I let my younger brother get the better of me. The first and only time. And that's how I ended up with another pain in the ass in my life.

That kitten was the devil, I tell you.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh, Pookie!"

That was all I heard being shout throughout the house. Every day. Multiple times a day. Multiple times and hour, sometimes even by the minute. Why in the hell Al named that devil of a cat something so ridiculous, not even I know.

"POOKIE, STOP IT!"

I was beginning to feel frustrated. Al would not shut up, and keep yelling that damned cat's name over and over.

"NO POOKIE, DON'T DO THAT!"

Now I just had a weird feeling in my stomach as Al walked into the living room, staring at me from my seat on the couch. I let the book in my hand fall from my face so I could look at him, a guilty look strewn across his face. Oh shit.

"Brother..." Al started, his voice low. That's when I knew something had happened. Something I wouldn't like. Not a bit.

"Yes, Al?"

I saw him put his hands behind his back, stumbling forward towards me with a sheepish look on his round face. "Ummm...Well..."

"Spit it out, Alphonse."

"Pookie...she...she kinda um...tried to climb the curtains in your room..."

As anyone would expect, knowing me, I was fuming at this point.

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THAT DAMN THING IN MY FUCKING ROOM, AL?"

"It wasn't my fault, Brother! I didn't catch her in time!" The tears were welling up in his eyes but I could have given a shit less at that moment, throwing my book down to the ground.

"Fuck, Alphonse. I shouldn't have let you have that stupid fucking cat in the first place." My teeth were gritted in anger, causing my yelling to turn down a notch. Not that it had helped the tears in my little brother's eyes, and I let out an aggrivated sigh and began to rub my temples.

As all of this was going on, Roy came out into our living room. In a stripper outfit.

Fuck my life.

"Edo! Come play!" Roy purred, beginning to tug at his outfit, or lack of one, sexily.

I simply gave him the finger.

Al stared at him in horror.

I decided it was time for me to leave. I dashed for my bed room door, making it inside quickly and locking the door right behind me. Letting out a relieved sigh, I flopped down on my bed.

Something was attacking my foot.

"GET OUT!"

That was it. Picking up the kitten by its neck, I unlocked the door and threw her out right on her ass. Roy and Al stared as I slammed the door back shut.

"...What's his problem?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROY."


End file.
